27 January 2016

Currently #11: Feeling Defeated

The last time I checked in and wrote a post where I just talked about life was 3 months ago, back in October. I've been feeling pretty defeated lately and glanced over Currently #10 just before writing this and I was just so surprised about how much things can change in so little time. Back then I was fighting a battle of uniqueness, originality and copyright, now I'm fighting against being a prisoner.

I've been feeling so trapped at work recently, being made to make changes that I'm not comfortable with and when trying to find help and guidance from those above me, being completely battered down. It's tricky. I understand that I have to work within the guidelines set out for me, that's my job I'm being paid for after all but when I'm told to change in a way I don't feel happy to do so, there's that battle of do I try and exceed in my capabilities but be unhappy doing it or make a fuss and find happiness in the long run? I try my best at everything I do, there's never really a time where I don't want to try because I enjoy pushing myself but at the same time should I push myself in a battle that is too big of a fight for my personal self?

The conclusion I came to was that my happiness is ultimately the most important thing and if my job is making me unhappy then that needs to change. I've been searching for something new for a while now. I want to try something different, something that's going to push me more in the field I'm trained in (visual arts) but also something that's going to teach me completely new things. The problem I'm facing here is that I don't have the experience for the things I've applied for. I have 5 years experience at  visual merchandising on a Sales Assistant level but no merchandising degree. I have a degree in Art & Media but no working experience in that field. I'm so keen to learn but finding a company willing to invest time in training me is hard.

I kind of feel like I'm trapped in a prison, I'm unhappy and forced to work without choice in my current job but can't find a break with a new job. I'm trapped because it's impossible to live without having means of providing money. I guess I just need to keep trying but my motivation and drive is slowly dropping, which is a shame because it's normally the thing to keep me going. I'm hoping time will tell and new things are soon on the horizon... If anyone has any advice at finding new jobs, please send it my way...

Love always,

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